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Dear Life: An Open Letter

I'm not sure if I should be thanking you, cursing you, or just trying to ignore you at this point, so to spare both of us the hassle I’ll skip the salutations for I haven’t found the right one for this moment.

I could go on and on about what I’ve done since I met you, but I prefer to use this opportunity to enlighten you on what you’ve made me do.

You have played me like a fiddle and honestly, I’m yet to understand the rhythm to this dance you forcefully dragged me into, and just when the music slows and I can finally move my feet to the beat, you signal to the DJ and he changes the tune.

The shift you’ve forced me to undergo, changing me into someone I never thought I’d be, makes me question when I changed and how I didn’t notice it. From the somewhat naive little girl to this confused being, I marvel at how you blinded me. The emotions I now hold are a paradox I’m never going to understand or even contemplate.

At a young age, you taught me to curse like a sailor at sea, but you've yet to teach me how to find my sea legs. At the same time, you taught me to feel so much empathy that my words didn’t reflect my thoughts and I soon realized I was always going to battle my heart and my mind.

You could have made this easy for me, you could have taught me all the lessons I needed to know in one go, but you love the sweet torture of hurting me one bit at a time. The fear of never knowing how or when you’ll come out of the shadows, and scare me with a new form of punishment for making the wrong choices, isn’t something you’ll ever get bored of.

But even as you did this, even as you brought me to my knees time and time again, you were the one who helped me to my feet. You even went a step further and tied my laces for me.

Even when I cried about the lessons you hurled at me, you picked up the broken pieces of my self-esteem and made me whole again. You wiped the tears from my face and complimented my eyes and I knew everything would be alright.

The icing on the cake is when you asked your neighbor ‘Time’ to constantly play a huge role in my existence such that by now I’m sure you two are lovers. The tango you two have, and are constantly inviting me to join in, has made me question who amongst the two of you is leading me along, but as I step on both your toes trying to fit in between, I can’t help but feel not only suffocated but also warm in your embraces. Unfortunately for the three of us, your mortal enemy keeps asking me to dance with him as well, and as you and your partner square up with me and mine, I question who will win; you and Time or Procrastination and me?

He never stays long though and before I know it, you and Time are back with me, and I can’t help but search for the dark-eyed stranger who danced with me to his beat and made me feel free. You try and crush my dreams of meeting him again and I agree to every word you say, promising to not be led astray, but whenever I spot him near the fireplace his aura forces me to go to him. His carefree nature so appealing to my own, I’m helpless to his charm. He smirks as he waits for me to fall into his arms again and as always I hope to be strong enough to resist, but I’m merely a young girl, what could I possibly know? I willingly replay this rodeo we’ve come to enjoy, a rodeo I swear is the last time I’ll partake in but we all know it’s a lie.

My guardian angels are yet to interfere with your plans so I’m assuming you either haven’t done your worst to me yet or maybe they just know that even with whatever you do to me, you shall step in and save me.

So you can understand my hesitance to acknowledge you; are you my ally or my foe? You demand my attention and with it my emotions, and at least I can safely presume that indifference is a choice you’ll never let me have when it comes to you, so I can rule that one out.

Maybe I’m too young to understand how you work, or I’m too old to understand why having low expectations from you is a smart thing to do, either way, I hope you’ll never stop testing me and making me grow.

My hopes for the future lie in your hands and whatever you decide to do. My heart is content at the moment so whatever you throw my way will be the powder I use to dust my ballet shoes with so hand me all you got; I’m ready to dance.

I hope we move like idiots on the dance floor as I try and match your every move and through it all I’ll look you deep in your eyes as I let Time join in and set our pace, as we dance all night.

I leave you with just one request; when my muscles start hurting from all the dancing, help me ice them. Stay with me as I cry about the state of my feet and let me rest them even if it’s just for a little bit, but remind me to get up each time and get back on the dance floor, for your lover stops for no one, and I won’t let myself be left on the sidelines. 

So this is to you, Life.

Cheers,
Bella Bee

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